Christmas (& special occasions) when someone has died

Without doubt, there will be a very important question on a lot of our minds right now: How do I cope at Christmas when someone has died? We might also be thinking: How will the children cope and how do I support them?

2020 has been a strange year to say the least. We have all faced “Lockdown”, “Lockdown 2” and “Tier Systems”. Never before did we think a ‘day out’ would become a trip to Asda and a walk in the local park.

This year has definitely reminded us to never take anything in life for granted. Christmas this year also feels uncertain. Who can be around us at this time? What will we be allowed to do?

Something that might be most significant on our minds however, is how to cope when someone has died.

If you are reading this, you might have experienced a bereavement very recently or you might have faced many Christmases without this person before. It is important to remember that the grief experienced around Christmas can be painful no matter how long ago the death happened. There is no set timeframe in grief and it’s okay to feel the way you do.

A time of year that is meant to be so merry and bright can make things seem even harder. You might be feeling mixed emotions and it can be hard to think straight when you feel like you need to be planning. Having lots to organise whilst finding yourself pre-occupied with thoughts of the person who has died can be extremely tiring. It is important to remember that the build up and anticipation leading up to Christmas is often much more overwhelming than the day itself.

Do I celebrate? It is okay if you do not want to celebrate Christmas at all. Making sure you don’t feel pressurised into what you think you “should” be doing is very important. Trying to please others can have negative effects on your own mental and physical wellbeing.

It is equally okay to feel merry and bright and to want to celebrate. A lot of the time people feel guilt over enjoying themselves at Christmas when they feel they ought to be sad. Emotionally-heightened times can also mean feelings of happiness. Allow yourself to be happy. We might have lots of happy memories of the person who has died and special occasions like Christmas can help us to begin to focus on happier memories of good times shared in the past. Having family members together is a great opportunity to share memories, as everyone’s are unique and special to them. We recognise it might be tricky to get family together in person, but we shouldn’t forget the power of video calls to be able to share these memories.

Some of us might want to maintain our usual Christmas routine and make a special effort to remember the person who has died. We are ever likely to really miss them so sharing memories of them, doing what they liked or visiting a special place that reminds you of them are all ideas for involving them in your Christmas. Do you have any special memories of this person at Christmas?

Decorating a bauble
Decorating a bauble for the person who has died is a creative way to include them in your Christmas magic. A physical reminder of that person can bring comfort. You could include their favourite colours or have each colour to represent a different memory, with glitter to remember the extra-special moments. This creative activity initiates conversation about the person you are remembering and encourages sharing feelings.
If you would like to see some of the fantastic baubles that were decorated with Guy’s Gift this Christmas for some inspiration, please follow the link to Our 2020 'Virtual' Lantern Walk — Guy's Gift.

Keeping the routines you find comforting is very important. This can make a huge difference to the day, making things a whole lot easier. This will also help the children to feel a sense of ‘normality’ too.

A worry we might have is the fear of potential conflict within your family. Everyone expresses grief differently and it is good to be aware that this can cause disagreements within families. Special occasions like Christmas can be intensely emotional times and this can often be heightened due to everyone having different expectations of others. It is important to be sensitive to everyone’s needs and talk openly about what everyone would like from Christmas. Explaining and helping family members understand that everyone reacts differently when someone dies and providing reassurance that everyone is okay to feel the way they are can be a huge help.

The Christmas Next Door
By Samuel Langley-Swain and T.A. Creaser
The Christmas Next Door is a lovely picture book about a bereavement in a family at Christmas and how Grandad feels lonely. The family receive a special message from Grandma, reminding them of how the magic of Christmas is being there for one another. This is a thought-provoking story that could initiate a helpful conversation about grief at Christmas time.

The importance of self-care over Christmas is huge. With our normal routines of the school run and work being disrupted, regular patterns such as getting enough sleep and eating well can make a huge difference. We often want to make it a special time for others but we need to look after ourselves and take some time to do something for you. It is important to be gentle with yourself at Christmas.

Not only does this relate to Christmas, but other emotionally significant events such as birthdays or the anniversary of when a loved one died, as feelings of heightened grief are likely to be similar when facing a significant date.

When the thought of these events can feel overwhelming, it can help to remind ourselves of some of these ideas that we feel might help us. It can be useful to talk this through with someone you trust so that they can also remind you of these ideas.

We have to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to do Christmas and other special occasions, all that matters is that you do what feels best for you and your family.

Supporting Guy’s Gift:

We appreciate any support you are able to offer to help children and their families this Christmas, be that through a donation, or by volunteering with us. For more information visit out ‘Support Us’ page here on the website.

Post by Sophie Peel

Jackie's top five books

You may have read our previous post where Sophie shared her top 5 books, well today it is Jackie’s turn. Jackie has been part of Guy’s Gift from the very start back in 2008 and these days she is one of the charity’s trustees.

You can read what Jackie shares below:

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1.  Grandpa by John Burningham

I like this book because it encapsulates the relationship between a child and Grandfather in a warm  and engaging way. It is a picture book that expresses events that we can all identify with from just being and doing and sharing times together, to learning about loss. 

They play let's pretend, they plant seeds in the greenhouse, they sing songs until Grandpa becomes ill. There is opportunity to share the loss experienced at the end of the book

 There is dual dialogue throughout with text from Grandpa and the little girl on each page.

 This is a delightful book to share. There is so much to talk about and remember all the precious times we spend with grandparents.

2.   Michael Rosen's Sad Book

By Michael Rosen with illustrations by Quentin Blake

 Michael Rosen reflects On the sadness when someone special in your life dies. This is a book for all ages, especially when shared.  It is a good book to have available to dip into. Michael shares his sadness at the death of his son as well as describing things that helped. The wonderful illustrations by Quintin Blake have as much to say as the script.

People of all ages find this a thoughtful and helpful book.

 As it says on the back of the book this is a story that "speaks to everyone".

3.   Angry Arthur

By Hiawyn Oram and Satoshki Kitamura

This is definitely a book about being angry.  It is not about bereavement but part of being bereaved sometimes includes being angry and confused.  Children often find it difficult to express why they are angry. Young children can express their emotions through their behaviour and this book is a fun way way to reflect on this.

Arthur is cross when he is told it is bedtime and he wants to stay up. He states " I'll get angry". And he does. With wonderful illustrations the author shows how the anger escalates in a humorous way, with family reminding him "that's enough". I like the page where Grandma, knitting in her rocking chair is carried along with him. It ends with him trying to remember why he was so angry in the first place!

This is a fun book but also provides opportunities to talk about when we get angry, what helps us, why we are angry now.  It is ok to feel angry, it is what we do with it that matters  It is an opportunity to recognise and understand our emotions.

4.   Silly Billy

By Anthony Browne

Billy is a worrier!  ( but this book works for any concern, thought or lack of understanding that young people might have)

Here is another beautifully illustrated children's book that can work for all ages.  There is plenty of opportunity to talk about our worries.  It introduces the idea of talking about what is playing on young minds, if concerns are shared they usually appear smaller.  We can all empathise with times when things have kept us awake and this is a lovely book to share and understand you are not alone. There is also the chance to share in a creative activity and make your own worry dolls together.

I love the light hearted way it finishes with Billy making worry dolls for all the worry dolls. 

5.   The Heart and the Bottle

By Oliver Jeffers

This is a book that works well for anyone who is bottling things up.  Time can be a significant factor in bereavement and this is a story about someone who has carried the grief of the loss of someone special from childhood to adulthood. Rather than talk about or share the special person who died she keeps her feelings in a bottle.  When she is ready to get them out again she finds they are locked in and it takes the help of another to enable the release. 

There is lots to think about, talk about, reflect on and share in this book. And it works well for older young people.

Post by Jackie Potter

The Fantastic Five - 5 Great Books for when Someone Special has Died

Sophie joined the team here at Guy’s Gift on 17th March 2020. No sooner had Sophie started, before everything changed and she wasn’t able to head out to begin meeting with children and young people as intended. Whilst she’s unable to begin those sessions, Sophie has shared her thoughts about 5 books she thinks are great for reading with children and young people who have experienced the death of someone important.
You can read Sophie’s thoughts below:

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Looking for some inspiration from a new source? I wanted to share with you my five favourite books for children when someone special has died and what I think is great about them.

As a child, I found books a fantastic escapism into a world of adventure. When we think of books about death, we might think they would be too gloomy and morbid for children. However, these stories have captured love and loss in an age-appropriate way. They are a great way of helping children to understand and process their grief. Relating to characters who have also lost someone can help children feel less alone with their feelings. A lot of the time just reading something and thinking “I feel like that too” can be a huge help.

Books can also be a great talking point within families, often helping us all to express our feelings about what can be a difficult or even taboo subject. These books can be returned to time and time again (much like any other bedtime favourite). As a parent/carer, it is helpful to familiarise yourself with the book before sharing it with a child. Not only are you less likely to be caught off-guard by how poignant the words can sometimes be, but it can also help you to take your own message from the book. They are all beautifully illustrated, and the pictures themselves speak a thousand words. I hope this provides some insight into some fantastic sources that are out there and when they might be useful.

The Heart and the Bottle

By Oliver Jeffers

ISBN: 9780007182343

Published: 2010

The Heart and the Bottle beautifully captures the curiosity and wonder of childhood. The theme of love and loss, represented through the ‘empty chair’, leaves the little girl feeling unsure of what to do. She places her heart in a bottle to protect it. Over time, the bottle kept around her neck becomes heavy and awkward (similar to bottled up feelings). She loses her sense of wonder and the world around her seems very empty. With the help of a smaller girl who is still curious, they are able to take her heart out of the bottle. With her heart back where it belongs, the little girl finds that the world no longer seems so empty, and neither does the chair.

I think this is a wonderful story as children can bottle up their emotions when someone special dies. This happens for a whole number of different reasons, they might not want to worry their parents who might already have a lot on their plate, or they often don’t want to seem different to their peers. The confusion and emptiness felt by the little girl will be familiar to many bereaved children. An important message to take from this story is the fact that the little girl turned to someone else for help. It is okay to feel scary and confusing emotions, and sharing them with someone else can make you feel better. It can help children see that it is good to talk.

Mum’s Jumper

By Jayde Perkin

ISBN: 9781911496137

Published: 2019

Mum’s Jumper accurately depicts the loneliness of grief. Like a dark cloud following you around, or trying to swim to a shore that never gets nearer. It illustrates how difficult it can be to concentrate on anything after losing a loved one and how exhausting these emotions can be. The book is centred around Mum’s jumper, a special object which brings comfort. The way the daughter grows into Mum’s jumper symbolises the way she grows into her grief. Her grief stays the same size, but her world gets bigger around it. My favourite theme in this book is that it shows how grief doesn’t just get better over time. At times, grief can feel worse than others, and that’s okay. A child will always feel the loss of their loved one, but their world will continue to grow around them.

I think this book could bring comfort to a child struggling to see how things can get better. It is a beautiful balance between the encompassing feelings of immediate grief and then how life continues to grow. It is never a case of just ‘getting over’ someone special who has died. This story can provide hope and reassurance where it is needed.

The Elephant In the Room

by Amanda Edwards and Leslie Pinciano

ISBN: 9781492793243

Published: 2014

The well-known idiom ‘the elephant in the room’ applies to talking about death, particularly around children. This book has several wonderful attributes, but my favourite part is the first page.

“Things may feel different, and things may have changed, as though the world has been rearranged”.

This is paired with clever illustrations of a house where the shelves contents are all jumbled and the photo frames are upside down. It perfectly captures how losing someone special is a huge change to a child’s life. It portrays how home life might be completely different, and how this change can be scary and confusing for children. 

The story is written as if it were the person who has died is speaking, which I think is something that children might find comfort in. It provides effective coping strategies, written in a way that children can understand. The use of elephants instead of people keeps a distance from reality which some children might prefer, and the use of rhyme makes it an enjoyable read.

No Matter What

by Debi Gliori

ISBN:9780747563310

Published: 2002

Similar to The Elephant in the Room, No Matter What features animal characters. ‘Large’ and ‘Small’ are foxes that represent a parent and child. Small is on a journey to explore unconditional love. Small has lots of questions, particularly about separation through death and the ongoing nature of special relationships. Large does not know how to answer some of these tricky questions.

He responds “Oh help. I’m not that clever, I just know I’ll love you forever”.

I think this is an extremely important aspect of the story as children tend to ask lots of questions when someone has died, as they formulate a story of what has happened. As adults, we don’t always have the answers to these questions and that’s okay.

This book finishes on a beautiful analogy. It illustrates how love is like starlight, it never dies. To me, this means that although you can no longer see someone who has died, you can always remember the way they have made you feel with their love.

If all the world were…

by Joseph Coelho and Alison Colpoys

ISBN: 9781786030597

Published: 2018

This is a beautifully illustrated story of a little girl and her Grandad. Together, they explore the fascination and delight of the world around them. This is captured through the illustrations of spring time flowers and wild animals.

When her Grandad dies, he leaves her a special scrapbook. The little girl uses her imagination to picture what she would wish the world to be like with him still here. She writes and draws the memories they have made together in her scrapbook. This story shows how creativity can help to keep special memories alive. It is important to remember how valuable activities such as scrapbooks and memory boxes can help children to cope with their loss of a loved one.

Post by Sophie Peel